Blood on the agnostic soul,
We whisper prayers and poetry
Into a cup of coffee,
Sipping them as they brew into
Passion, lust and loving –
I swirl it with an idle straw,
Your lips, they twist me bare and raw,
We mix our drinks and
Watch them burst to flame.
You love me like a checkerboard,
Your fingers play, we grind and sweep
But our lives remain unclean,
we stay unseen,
and in ten years, you’ll try to wean
me off philosophy.
I loved you with intensity – electric storms
Sparked by our words, we slit our hips,
We know we’re cursed.
By this point, we have already become infamous “we”.
Mentos intellectual, I’m your cheap cola,
Your taste, your point, the sensual –
Together, we are chemistry and with you,
I am on my knees:
Douse the lights and wax my eyes,
Justify and stay alive,
Extremist, you abuse me and you’ve
Always bound or used me, you know
You’ll never loose me so
Admit one, café de vice,
Everyone else must pay the price.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Simply awesome.
Sara,
Your voice is what could really drive this poem. I like some of this for that reason, in parts.
It suffers from being "navelish" in the sense that the reader is left with a variety of tangents that, without a little direction, will be lost.
One common problem (one that I have to deal with as well) is that poets often fail to actually communicate something. This could more effectively show the confusion and random (and perhaps evocative) thoughts of one in such a situation if we're more aware of the context. Certainly you were aware of it as it was happening.
Immediacy is important, but I think a balance has to be found between that and being understandable.
Good luck,
Brad
A beautiful poem, rich with evocative language, which as a reader, draws you in, and excites.
A pleasure to read, Thank You.
That is really beautiful; I would leave it just the way it is. You have developed a very strong voice and style. Good work.
That is beautiful, sums a lot of views up. However i cannot be dealing with coffee. Eurgh!
What is it with you and cups of coffee?
I'm sorry but I sort of imagined when the drinks collided that there was a guy getting his face burnt off... oooh morbid.
your poems are always like this but this was so beautiful...
Cheap Cola... yuck....
I liked this... I'm starting to enjoy and read poetry again, this was pretty damn good heh. Best one in a while. I might have to do a reading.